


Not An Angel

by Alyce013



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Cheating, Love Triangles, M/M, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23245267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alyce013/pseuds/Alyce013
Summary: Kihyun finds it hard to stay true to his fiance when his ex renters his life.
Relationships: Lee Minhyuk/Yoo Kihyun, Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Inevitable

Kihyun drummed his fingers, impatiently watching the clock. He knew his co-workers had noticed his nervousness, but he honestly couldn't care less. He couldn't wait until work was over, but was dreading it at the same time. His phone vibrated loudly in his pocket. Just two more minutes until work was over. The clock seemed to go slower for those last two minutes just to spite him.

"Kihyun? You ok?" One of his co-workers asked, as Kihyun almost ran out the door to his car. He didn't even respond. Kihyun pulled his phone out of his pocket, checking his messages. He smiled at the two from his fiance Shownu, asking him when he would be home and letting him know how much he loved and missed him. He responded back with a cheesy message first. That was the kind of couple they were: super cheesy and he loves it. Kihyun reminded Shownu in the next message that he had a few errands to run and he would be home late today. He followed it with a 'don't wait up'.

Kihyun had a few messages from his friends that he responded to before he switched to the last message. The number he knew he couldn't save in his phone seemingly taunting him. If he was being honest with himself he could, but he really shouldn't. It was a simple small text asking if he was on his way. He felt butterflies in his stomach that he knew was wrong. Kihyun sent a short response. His hands shook a bit from nerves as he turned his car on to finally leave.

The drive was short, but it felt so long. His heart betraying him and starting to pound so fast. He wished he could be there already. He wished he had never agreed to it in the first place. He couldn't resist the temptation though and it made him feel so disgusting inside. He told himself just this once, and then it would be done. Kihyun parked his car. He nervously drummed his fingers on the steering wheel still debating on whether to go in or not. He knew he should just go home. He was so happy with Shownu. He loves Shownu, but Shownu didn't make him feel butterflies in his stomach like this.

"Just this once." Kihyun muttered to himself as he got out of his car. He walked into the restaurant and looked around. The lighting inside was dim. The smell of alcohol lingered in his nose. He used to love to frequent places like this when he was younger, but had grown out of that phase of his life. He looked at the tables, wondering if he had actually arrived first.

"Just one, sir?" A high voice asked from beside him. Kihyun jumped, almost letting out a squeak of fright. The hostess had caught him off guard. He had expected someone else.

"No, I'm meeting someone here. Has he arrived yet?" Kihyun responded in a quieter voice than normal.

"No, but if you'd like, I can seat you and as soon as your friend arrives, I'll point him in your direction. Can I have your name?" The hostess gave him an accommodating smile.

"I'm...um...my name's Kihyun. That would be great. Thank you." Kihyun followed the hostess to a table upstairs, away from the bar, by a window.

"Your waitress will be with you shortly." She assured him. He was already distracted looking out the window. He didn't expect to be the first to arrive. He restarted the nervous drumming of his fingers on the table as he got lost in his thoughts. He couldn't believe he was sitting here. This whole situation was crazy. The feeling of disgust inside of him only growing.

"Can I start you with something to drink?" Kihyun jumped for the second time that night as the waiter appeared at the table.

"Yes, could I just have a Pepsi? I'm...um...waiting for someone so until he arrives just the drink. Thank you." The waiter nodded in acknowledgement as he left to grab the drink. Kihyun was rethinking his decision to go through with this. It was such a mess he had gotten himself into. There was so much that could go wrong. He kept thinking about if someone he knew recognized him. 'This is stupid' kept going around in his head until...

"Kiki?" That low, slightly husky voice could make all his insides turn to mush. The sweet nickname hitting his heart in a way that made it beat so fast.

"Min-min?" Kihyun responded with a small squeak and the matching sweet nickname. His eyes meeting the soft, playful, dark brown ones he hadn't realized he had missed so much. The two boys looked each other over, speechless for a moment.

"God, I didn't think it was possible, but you got even more handsome." Kihyun blushed at those words.

"I could say the same about you, Minhyuk. You're still so cute. The blonde suits you." Kihyun stood up to give the taller man a hug.

"Your hair is cute too." Minhyuk said as he ruffled the dark brown locks. Kihyun's entire body reacted to the simple gesture by heating up and craving for more contact.

"Its been such a long time." Kihyun sat down with Minhyuk taking the seat opposite him.

"4 years almost." Minhyuk noted, still devouring the brunette across from him with his eyes. "God! It's so good to see you!"

"I missed you." Kihyun confessed softly. Minhyuk's hands snaked over the table, softly meeting the other boys.

"I missed you too. Last time I saw you-"

"Was the day we broke up. Our last fight." Kihyun finished harshly. Minhyuk looked shocked and lost for a moment. He had almost forgotten how honest and blunt Kihyun could be. Thankfully, at that moment the waiter came over to the table. Minhyuk let go of one of Kihyun's hands, still softly stroking the back of the other one with his thumb. The two of them ordered small appetizers and handed the waiter the menus. 

"I'm honestly surprised you showed up." Minhyuk started, staring at the hand he was holding. "I didn't think I'd get the chance to see you...to apologize to you."

"I almost didn't."

"I could tell by your drumming on the table." Minhyuk chuckled fondly. "Always been your nervous habit." He smiled sweetly as he looked back up into Kihyun's eyes. A blush spread across the brunette's face. He remembered how charming the man across from him could be. That was what had captured his heart in the first place.

"You're obsession with skinship is still going strong I see." Kihyun shot back, holding their intertwined hands up and laughing. He warmed up, feeling way less awkward about the whole situation. Minhyuk always had known how to make him feel comfortable. The butterflies in his stomach had gone away, but his heart beat so fast for the man across from him. He was still in love with Minhyuk after all this time. He knew that for a fact now.

The two men fell into a comfortable conversation. They caught up on the past 4 years away from each other and reminisced about the good times they had when they were together. The food came and was half ignored. Their drinks were refilled a couple more times. Time flew as Kihyun and Minhyuk continued talking, completely oblivious to everything but each other. Minhyuk kept softly brushing the back of Kihyun's hand with his thumb, not letting go the entire time.

Kihyun's phone vibrated against the table slightly breaking the spell of the night. He looked at the lock screen, checking to see if it was important. It was a message from Shownu. A guilty feeling started to flow out to every corner of his being. He had completely forgotten about his fiance. The amazing, wonderful man who loves him, waiting for him at home. He couldn't bring himself to look at the message. He could predict the loving, but slightly worried goodnight text. He placed his phone back down on the table screen down.

"You ok?" Minhyuk tilted his head to try to meet Kihyun's eyes again. "Not gonna respond?"

"No. It's not that important." Kihyun lied, feeling absolutely disgusting. "I'm ok. I just need to use the bathroom. I'll be back." He left his phone, wallet, and keys on the table with Minhyuk as he rushed to the bathroom. He needed to breathe and think a bit clearer.

"What are you doing?" He criticized his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He splashed cool water on his face and ran his now wet hands through his hair making it damp and exposing his forehead. Sighing deeply, he shook his head and went over to the urinal to relieve himself. This was too much for him to handle. He hung his head in shame as he zipped himself back up and walked back over to the sink to wash his hands.

Minhyuk entered the bathroom just as Kihyun had finally collected himself to leave. He walked over to Kihyun slowly. The brunette's breath hitched as his heart started beating inhumanely fast. His whole body tingled as Minhyuk finally closed the distance between them, pinning him against the counter. Their faces were so close and all Kihyun could focus on was the lips of the blonde in front of him. He wanted this so bad even though he knew it was wrong.

Minhyuk's lips met his gently at first as if it was a request. The feeling was like no other. Kihyun wanted so much more. He kissed back, pulling the blonde closer to him. In that moment, the kiss deepened and Minhyuk's tongue found it's way into Kihyun's mouth. Kihyun's hands moved under the taller boy's shirt, running over his firm stomach and up to his chest. Minhyuk let his hands roam down to Kihyun's butt, squeezing it.

"Wait!" Kihyun cried out pushing Minhyuk away from him. "This is wrong."

"Why is it wrong, angel?" Minhyuk used a finger under Kihyun's chin to gently lift his face back up.

"I'm engaged. That message I just got. It was from my fiance." Kihyun confessed as tears started to swell up in his eyes. Minhyuk moved to hold Kihyun's face in his hands, brushing the tears starting to fall away with his thumbs. Kihyun grabbed on to the wrists of the blonde as a short soothing kiss was placed on his lips.

"Please don't cry, Kiki." Minhyuk sighed sadly. "Come on. I already paid the bill. I have your things. Let's talk about this somewhere other than the bathroom." Minhyuk's playful tone and eye roll at the last statement made Kihyun let out a small chuckle followed by a small sniffle. He allowed Minhyuk to grab his hand and lead him out of the restaurant. 

The whole way out Kihyun's thoughts turned to Shownu. His fiance deserved better than this. It wasn't that Kihyun didn't love him. He loves Shownu so much. They are so happy together. He always feels so loved and Shownu is sweet and kind to him. They had cheesy inside jokes. They could sit in comfortable silence and just enjoy each others company. There is a happy, loving contentment he feels with Shownu. The only thing was he didn't make Kihyun feel the butterflies and heart pounding excitement that Minhyuk always elicited.

Minhyuk had always been the love that was passionate and intense. When they were together it had always been exciting and...well...intense. They could never keep their hands off each other. He was so in love with Minhyuk that he forgave him way to easily for things that should've been unforgivable. He looked at the back of the blonde man's head. All of those feelings had come back the moment he heard that smoky voice, and saw those excited, playful eyes. They had stopped walking, but Kihyun was staring at the ground now. The two of them stood in the parking lot next to Minhyuk's car holding hands.

"What's his name?" Minhyuk prompted.

"Shownu." Kihyun smiled saying the name. "He's so good to me, Min-Min. I can't do this to him." A frown settled on his face as he finished speaking. 

"Then don't." Minhyuk pulled Kihyun closer to him. "Break it off and come back to me. I've missed you so much. I regret breaking up so much. I still love you. You were and always will be my beautiful angel."

"I'm no angel. The fact that I'm even tempted to run away with you right now proves that." Kihyun shook his head trying to push the errant thoughts out.

"So, I'm the devil?" Minhyuk smirked.

"No, I am. I'm the bad guy here. For still being in love with you. For forgetting about my fiance. For-" Minhyuk cupped Kihyun's face in his hands and interrupted the rant with another passionate kiss. Kihyun exhaled through his nose roughly, giving in to the temptation for the moment. Minhyuk's soft lips were deliciously addicting. Kihyun's hands gripped on to Minhyuk's wrists to keep them from exploring elsewhere.

"Come back to me. You. Me. Us. We are inevitable. We always were." Minhyuk whispered as he broke the kiss. Kihyun's eyes fluttered open.

"No. I can't." Kihyun pulled away, putting some much needed distance between them. Fresh air finally entering his lungs and clearing up his cloudy thoughts. "Maybe it was inevitable...maybe we just wished it was."

"What do you mean?" Minhyuk asked confused. He took a step towards Kihyun to close the distance just to falter when the brunette flinched away.

"We are and always have been so toxic. Our relationship was toxic. We reminisced about all the good moments in there, but honestly the fights and breakdowns are what I remember the most. We were so in love that it blinded us to how horribly we treated each other. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep over you. I can't-no I won't put myself though that again. Before I walked in I told myself just this once and I'm gonna stick to that."

"Kiki, I've changed. I'm different now. You deserved so much better. I'll completely admit that. I just want to be able to prove it to you. I want to be able to treat you like I should've when we were together. When I realized you were gone and weren't coming back...it broke me. Changed me. You were my everything and you were gone and I didn't know what to do." Minhyuk pleaded, tears flowing down his face ever since he started talking.

"I'm not so sure you've changed. And the reason I left was to break you. That's the toxic part. It was also cause I was finally sick of it. Of us. Of 'inevitable'. I'm going home to my fiance, Minhyuk." Kihyun turned to walk to his car. He knew it was going to hurt later, but he felt it was the right decision

"Do you love him?" The question caused Kihyun to hesitate for a moment. He felt Minhyuk's eyes on his back, impatiently waiting for the answer.

"I do. I love Shownu." Kihyun answered honestly, not even turning around. He hadn't lied. He really did love his fiance. He walked quicker to his car, praying that Minhyuk wasn't following him. He had no more strength to resist anymore.

Kihyun unlocked his car, getting in, and taking a deep shaky breath. He hit the steering wheel angrily with his hands a couple times. He couldn't believe he had let it get this far. He kissed him. He even made out with him in the bathroom like a horny teenager. He started the car and drove off, glancing one last time in the direction of where he had left Minhyuk. He knew it was wrong, but he wanted to see him one last time.

The drive home was silent and too short. He entered the apartment he shared with Shownu quietly as to not wake his fiance up. He took his shoes off at the front door. He was so happy and relieved to be home. He walked to their bedroom door and peeked in at the amazing, wonderful fiance of his. Kihyun smiled as his heart warmed up at the sight in front of him. Shownu's black hair was sticking up in places and his face was smooshed against the pillow in a way that looked so cute. His familiar snores sounded through the room. Kihyun loves this sleeping man so much.

The guilt hit in that moment. Kihyun was so disgusted with himself. He wanted to wash it all off. He wanted to be clean of Minhyuk's touch and smell. He felt the need to shower so strongly. He looked to see if there were enough clothes in the hamper to do a load as he stripped everything off. There was and he had never been this excited to see so much dirty clothes. He usually hated it and nagged at his fiance to help keep up with it.

He took the basket and dumped all the clothes into the washer, including the ones he had just been wearing. He poured in the right amount of detergent. He made a mental note to start it after he got out of the shower. He placed his phone on the counter of the bathroom. He turned the heat of the water up as high as it would go, trying to burn off all traces of the only man who could make his heart race. The phantom feeling of Minhyuk's thumbs brushing the backs of Kihyun's hands and the tears off his face refusing at first to leave. He wished Shownu could be the one to make him feel the butterflies. He wished his heart would race like that with his fiance.

Kihyun stepped out of the shower, drying himself off and putting his pajama bottoms on. He grabbed his phone and walked out to start the washer. The phone vibrated as he walked into the bedroom. That number, Minhyuk's number, appeared on the screen. He placed the phone on his nightstand and plugged it into the charger, ignoring it for now. He slipped under the covers and into his fiance's arms. This is where he belonged. Shownu stirred a bit, mumbling sleepily and pulling Kihyun closer into his chest. The strong arms around him causing him to finally relax.

Kihyun looked over at his phone on the nightstand. Against his better judgment, he picked it up and unlocked the screen staring at the two messages. The one from Shownu wondering how his errands were going, expressing worry at the late hour, explaining he was going to sleep, and finally being mushy about looking forward to waking up with Kihyun in his arms. A soft feeling spread through Kihyun's body. This is why he loves his fiance so much.

Minhyuk's desperate message: I'm glad you decided to meet up. I was being honest. I've changed. I miss you. Your angelic lips are still as enticing as ever. Please don't give up on us, cause I'm not. I'm still so in love with you.

Kihyun sighed deeply. Shownu's chest rose and fell against his back. He made his decision in the parking lot, but why did he feel like this wasn't over. It had to be. He picked his fiance. He decided to save Minhyuk's number in his phone. He told himself it would help him ignore the messages. He saved the previously forbidden number with just a puppy emoji. He locked his phone, placing back on the nightstand. He rolled over to face Shownu, tangling their legs together. Finally, Kihyun allowed himself to be lulled to sleep by the familiar sound of the man he loves snoring.


	2. Guilt

A flurry of soft kisses all over Kihyun's face woke him up. Shownu placed one last kiss lovingly on Kihyun's nose as he opened his eyes. The morning sunlight flowing in from the bedroom window made Shownu look like a Greek god. He stood next to the bed already fully dressed for work.

"Good morning, angel." Shownu's morning voice and loving smile made Kihyun's heart swell. Unfortunately, it didn't last long as the events of last night flooded his mind.

"Morning." Kihyun responded, quickly trying to push the thoughts away. He wanted to hide under the blanket.

"You were out pretty late last night. I hope everything worked out." Shownu's words made a huge lump of guilt swell up.

"Yeah, it did. I didn't want to wake you when I got home. You looked too peaceful." Kihyun hated lying to his fiance about meeting up with Minhyuk. All the memories of last night swirled in his head making him feel so guilty he finally pulled the blanket over his head.

"I noticed you started a load of laundry," Shownu began as he playfully ruffled the blankets Kihyun hid under. "I put it in the dryer. I'm surprised you let it sit all night."

"It slipped my mind once I crawled into your arms." Kihyun's muffled voice explained. Shownu chuckled as he finally unburied his fiance from the blanket. As Shownu took a breath in to speak, Kihyun pulled on his arm bringing him closer. Their lips met for a sweet, loving kiss that lingered until Kihyun pulled Shownu the rest of the way back into their bed.

"I'm gonna be late." Shownu whined keeping a playful tone as he fluffed Kihyun's hair.

"Call off. Let's both call off and just cuddle in bed all day watching netflix and eating pizza." Kihyun wanted a soft day in desperately as soon as the thought had crossed his mind. Erasing Minhyuk from his mind would be much easier this way. He gazed hopefully into Shownu's shocked eyes.

"Are you sick, my love?" Shownu placed his hand on Kihyun's forehead, checking for a fever. "I never thought I'd see the day that you'd suggest playing hooky. Add on the wash sitting in the washer and I'm about to rush you to the hospital."

"I'm not sick." Kihyun pouted, cutely swatting his fiance's hand away. "I just need some us time. We've both been super busy lately and, honestly, I miss having a lazy day in just the two of us."

"You are so very tempting, my love, but I can't today. Remember? I have my big presentation today."

"I did." Kihyun sighed disappointed in himself. "I definitely forgot. Ugh! How do you put up with me? I'm such a bad fiance." Kihyun buried his face in Shownu's chest. He couldn't believe he forgot. That, compounding with events from last night, just proved to Kihyun that he didn't deserve the handsome man whose strong arms were now wrapping him in a hug. He felt like crying, but he knew it would only make things worse right now.

"You are not. Kihyun, you're busy too. It's not the end of the world if you forget things. I will still love you." Shownu smiled brightly at Kihyun as he got out of the bed, and adjusted his clothes so they weren't too wrinkly.

"I don't deserve you." The words slipped out of Kihyun's mouth before he could catch them. He slowly looked back up into beautiful dark brown eyes that held an edge of sadness. A pang of fear shot through all the guilt. He really hoped he wasn't being too suspicious.

"Don't say that." Shownu gently scolded. Kihyun swallowed back tears. "How about I make you a promise?"

"Promise?" Shownu picked up Kihyun's pinky with his own, holding their hands together like that as he kissed the cute man's knuckles.

"I promise to have a lazy day in with you on Friday. No work. No distractions. Just you, me, some pizza and movies." Shownu wiggled his pinky to prompt the sealing of the promise. Kihyun finally genuinely smiled at his fiance.

"Friday it is." He agreed, pinky wrapping around his fiance's and touching his thumb to Shownu's.

"I can't wait." Shownu stood up completely, turning to leave.

"Hey!" Kihyun pouted cutely as Shownu looked back over his shoulder. "Where's my kiss?" He got up from bed, the blanket wrapped around him, and met him halfway. Shownu placed his arms around Kihyun's waist, while Kihyun placed his hands on Shownu's chest. Their lips met softly making Kihyun feel so very loved and cherished.

"I love you." Shownu whispered as he broke the kiss and their foreheads met. He pulled away, keeping as much contact as possible until he had to let go.

"I love you." Kihyun echoed, giving his fiance the soft loving smile he reserved just for him. As Shownu disappeared through the bedroom door, Kihyun fell back into bed. The front door of their apartment closed not to long after and he finally allowed his tears to fall. He burrowed deep into the large comforter on the bed, breathing in his fiance's scent and allowed himself to cry for a good fifteen minutes.  
Kihyun felt so gross, but he knew a shower wouldn't help him feel better this time. He needed to come clean with Shownu about Minhyuk before he would feel any better. He sighed as he unburied himself from the blankets and started his morning routine. As much as he didn't want to go to work, he knew his best friend would freak out if he skipped. He was the only other person who knew what Kihyun had been doing and where he went last night. Kihyun looked at himself in the bathroom mirror as he brushed his teeth. His face and eyes were puffy and red from crying.

"Why are you like this?" He asked his reflection, somewhat hoping for an answer. "Why do you have to be so complicated?"  
Kihyun sighed heavily as he washed his face with cool water to try to soothe away the puffy redness. He finished up in the bathroom, got dressed, and collected his lunch, keys, and wallet. He dropped everything off on the table by the front door to grab his phone from the nightstand.  
Kihyun sat down on the edge of the bed checking the notifications on his phone. Most were stupid game apps, but his eyes immediately fell on the three text messages he had after he swiped away everything else. His best friend was asking him how everything went last night and expressed how impatient he was to hear about it. His fiance was letting him know he was at work safe. The taunting puppy emoji, that gave him a fluttering feeling in his stomach, was what he hesitated to tap on. He didn't know if he should read it considering last night's message. Unfortunately, Kihyun had no self control when it came to Minhyuk. The text was short, but sweet: 'I miss the feeling of waking up next to you.' He sighed, covering his face with his free hand. This was honestly going to be harder than he thought.  
Kihyun locked his phone, slipping it into his pocket, and stood up to finally leave for work. He collected everything he needed, walked out of the apartment, and locked the door. The entire car ride to work he spent replaying bits and pieces of last night in his head.  
The feeling of Minhyuk's fingers rubbing soft circles on the back of Kihyun's hand still lingered. The soft look in the eyes of his ex as they gazed at each other across the table still made his heart feel like it was being squeezed. The way his lips had moved as he talked, the way his eyes lit up as he listened, the husky sound of his voice as he spoke, it had all just made him fall into what happened in the bathroom. Kihyun's tongue touched his bottom lip just thinking about it.  
A horn sounded behind him, breaking him out of the thoughts that caused him to miss the light turning green. He sheepishly drove through the intersection, making the next left into the parking lot of work. He sat for a second, collecting his thoughts after he parked.

"Hey!" Someone yelled as they knocked loudly on the car window. Kihyun jumped and looked over into the big, soft, brown eyes of his best friend.

"Hey, what? You scared the crap out of me, Hyungwon." Kihyun grumbled, getting out of his car.

"Uh-oh. Someone seems super distracted. Spill! What happened last night?" Hyungwon's voice went from concerned to overeager so quick Kihyun didn't exactly know how to respond at first.

"Calm down, Won. I'll explain on lunch." Kihyun stated calmly, walking into the building with his best friend close behind.

"I don't think I'll be able to wait til lunch." Hyungwon pouted playfully. "Did you go? Did you see him?"

"Yes, I went. Yes, I saw him. Now relax and wait until lunch. I'll see you then." Kihyun left Hyungwon to enter the elevator to get to his floor. He knew if he looked back at his best friend he would see excitement, but also a bit of disappointment. Kihyun felt he needed to organize his thoughts a bit better before he talked to Hyungwon about it.  
His best friend had been there for him through basically everything, so he had a unique perspective that helped Kihyun navigate through life easier. That also meant Hyungwon knew all about his past with Minhyuk, so he was definitely going to be scolded. Hyungwon wasn't afraid to be blunt and honest with him. This was going to be one of their more interesting lunches.  
Kihyun sighed deeply as he started his day of work. His phone vibrated against his leg and he dared to look at the message. It was from Shownu. He smiled when he read it.

"Ki, be careful. The boss has been on the warpath all morning." Takuya, his paralegal, warned as he appeared in his office.

"It's just my fiance telling me his big presentation went well. You are the best look out ever anyway. You'd never let me get caught." Kihyun explained, his smile only growing. Takuya smiled back in response.

"That's great! Doing anything special later to celebrate?" The paralegal asked as he dropped a box of files on Kihyun's desk.

"I think I have something in mind for Friday." Kihyun was reminded of the promise this morning. Shownu always kept his promises. It is one of the things Kihyun loves about him. His fiance is sweet, kind, loving, and thoughtful. Sometimes he could be a bit stoic, but all Kihyun had to do was hold his hand, or touch his shoulder and Shownu would melt.  
The morning workload seemed to pass way too fast for Kihyun. He spaced out a lot as he was working through the first cases and Takuya had to get him back on track. His mind would always drift back to Minhyuk or Shownu and he honestly was relieved he would be able to unload everything on Hyungwon at lunch.

"Ready to go?" Kihyun asked placing a hand on his best friend's shoulder.

"I've been ready since last night." Hyungwon scoffed, rubbing his eyes as he rolled away from his computer and stood up. Kihyun rolled his eyes, and sighed heavily.

"Could you relax?" Kihyun snapped angrily, finally losing his patience. "I get it! I'm a horrible person for going to see him!" He stomped off ahead with Hyungwon following quietly, head hanging slightly.

"Ki, I'm sorry. I just know the history between you two. Minhyuk is bad news, always has been and always will be. I just worry about you, you know?" Hyungwon spoke gently, trying to ease the tension in the car. Kihyun had been silently fuming the whole ride to the restaurant so far. He couldn't understand how his best friend hadn't picked up on the guilt that had been eating him up inside since last night. He had been right about Minhyuk being bad news though. He couldn't deny that.  
Kihyun kept the silence between them until they sat down at a table and ordered their food.

"I got there first. I was so nervous, Won, so very nervous. I shouldn't have been so nervous." Kihyun admitted finally breaking the silence. His broken voice at the end made Hyungwon worry a bit.

"It's Minhyuk. Of course you were nervous. I know how in love with him you used to be. I'd be more surprised if you said you weren't nervous." Hyungwon gazed softly at Kihyun placing his hand on the table palm up to show he was going to be supportive and not judge.

"I just wish he didn't still have that kind of effect on me. It's like a power he has over me and my actions. I can't help it, and it sucks. He called me by my pet name. I melted, and it was like I never left. It felt as if all these years apart never happened. He was so cute and sunshiny, just like I remember." Kihyun started to share as he squeezed Hyungwon's hand to let him know they were ok. 

"Kiki?" Hyungwon let out a light chuckle. "That was such a lame pet name. Did you respond with his?"

"It just kinda slipped out. I couldn't help it. It may have been lame to you, but that always made my heart flutter. It was a small sign that he cared and felt the same way as I did. I just need to remind myself it's just his way of pulling me in."

"What happened that you have that look in your eyes when you talk? You seem to be seriously overthinking it all."

"He...we...Hyungwon," Kihyun babbled incoherently, looking up at his best friend with all of the guilt he had been feeling in his eyes. He gripped onto Hyungwon's hand so tight, needing the strength to continue on. "I've been killing myself over it."

"Over what?" Hyungwon asked concerned.

"I held his hand basically the entire time. I didn't tell him I was engaged at first. I...I just allowed myself to fall into that comfort zone with him again." Kihyun decided to start slow with what he considered his sins from last night.

"Hey, it happens. You didn't have any closure with Minhyuk. You just cold turkey quit him and we moved away. It's nothing to be this ashamed about." Hyungwon tried consoling Kihyun, but he was shocked to see tears in his eyes.

"He kissed me." It was basically a whisper as a tear escaped and fell down Kihyun's face. His biggest sin finally admitted.

"What...?" Hyungwon couldn't help his reaction as he tried to pull his hand away at first. He couldn't hide how disappointed he was on his face though. "Kihyun, what were you thinking?"

"Do you honestly believe there was any thinking on my part? It just kinda happened, Won. I definitely didn't initiate it, but I, well, I didn't protest as much as I should've."

"Now I get why you've been acting so anxious and tense. What about Shownu?"

"I love Shownu. I love him so much, Won. I just lost my head for a moment. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Lost your head? You went absolutely insane!"

"I know. You think I don't know that? You were right when you said Minhyuk is bad news and always will be. I feel so disgusting. I can't wash this dirtiness off with a shower, but all I want to do is shower and clean."

"You didn't...you know, did you?" Hyungwon was afraid to say the words.

"No! Of course not! There was no sex. I couldn't do that and dare to go home to Shownu. I couldn't do that and live with myself." Kihyun defended himself, getting a little loud. A few people in the restaurant looked over at them, but looked away as Hyungwon glared back at them. The waiter chose that moment to come by with their food. The two friends remained silent, trying to process what had been said, even after the waiter left them to their food. A few bites of food later their eyes met and the conversation continued.

"Even after everything, do you still love him?" Hyungwon had to admit he was afraid he already knew and probably didn't want to hear the answer. Kihyun felt even more disgusting than before as he hesitated. He couldn't lie to his bestfriend because Hyungwon could see right through him.

"God, I wish I didn't." Kihyun avoided Hyungwon's eyes, not wanting to see how upset he would be with the admission finally being voiced out loud. "But unfortunately, yes, I'm still in love with Minhyuk."

"How?" Hyungwon didn't mean for the question to slip out, especially as hostile as it had sounded, but now it hung unanswered in the air between them. Kihyun still didn't look up at him. He didn't know how he could still be in love with Minhyuk, he just was. Kihyun picked at the food in front of him, taking a few bites before he dared to answer.

"I don't know. After everything that happened between us...I can't justify my feelings, but they are there. I'm just so confused, Won."

"Explain what exactly happened. Did he force himself on you?"

"Not exactly. I was lost in the moment, in the bubble we had created around us blocking out the entire world when Shownu texted me he was going to sleep. It burst the bubble and I excused myself to go to the bathroom to collect myself and breathe. I really just needed to breathe and get away from Minhyuk's intoxicating presence. I guess I took a bit long in there trying to collect myself, because he came in after me. He pinned me against the sinks and honestly, all I could think about was how much I wanted him to kiss me. Next thing I knew his lips tentatively touched mine and I kissed back. I pushed away when I came to my senses. He didn't know that I am engaged, at that point. So, it really was my fault." Once Kihyun started explaining he couldn't stop until he remembered the second kiss, and a fresh wave of guilt washed over him.

"I get that it was a moment of weakness on your part. I can even understand why. We both agreed before you even went that it would be a bad idea, because that man always seems to suck you back in. Why does it seem like you're defending him though?"

"Cause it was my fault. I was the one who gave in. I was the one who kissed back knowing I had a loving, trusting, amazing fiance waiting for me at home. I'm not the angel Shownu thinks I am. I pushed him away and told him about Shownu, but it was too late. He led me to the parking lot and was almost begging me to come back to him." Kihyun paused a moment even taking a mouthful of food before he revealed the next part. Hyungwon waited patiently keeping his mouth shut, so Kihyun could keep up his courage.  
Kihyun finally looked up, locking eyes with his best friend. All the shame and guilt he had been feeling inside shining through his eyes.

"He kissed me again in the parking lot. I should've pushed him away quickly that time, especially with everything he was saying, but I gave in to that kiss as well. It definitely showed that even though he says he changed, he didn't. He's still the same toxic love I left four years ago." Kihyun admitted, getting angrier as he finished. Hyungwon looked at him with so much disappointment, but also pity.

"You were still tempted though. I can tell. You left him for a reason, Kihyun. Remember that."

"I know. I do, but he still makes me feel butterflies. I was so giddy and flustered. I hate that he still makes me feel like a teenager with a huge crush."

"He also made you cry for three days straight when he disappeared without a trace the week of your birthday only to return, completely wasted, two days later expecting you to nurse him through his hangover." Hyungwon shot back taking Kihyun by surprise.

"Yeah,-" Kihyun was cut off before he could say anything.

"I was there for you through that and every huge, pointless fight he picked, every time he cheated, everytime he would freak out about you being out without him although he expected you to not ask questions when he disappeared without you, every break up he instigated by dragging you down and breaking you into pieces just for him to crawl back and beg forgiveness. Minhyuk is so toxic for you. I hated seeing you like that. I hated him, but I couldn't leave you to deal with it alone. Minhyuk drove all the rest of your friends away except me. I couldn't let you go through it alone."

"I know." Kihyun started crying freely.

"I don't even know why you left him finally. You still haven't told me what finally broke you. I just remember how broken you were when we moved here to escape. To make sure he couldn't find you. It took so long for you to genuinely smile again." Hyungwon spoke with a bit more gentleness in his tone. Kihyun was already beating himself up enough for his actions.

"I haven't told anyone." Kihyun whispered.

"I know. It may be part of the reason why you don't have the closure you're looking for. It will make it so much more real when you say it out loud. You know I'll be here when you're ready to finally talk about it."

"I pulled my head out of my ass and told him there was no way I was letting him back in my life. I left him there in the parking lot and went home." Kihyun changed the subject back, not wanting to talk about that reason just yet.  
The reason he had finally woke up and saw the toxic relationship for what it was needed to continue to be a secret for now. He wasn't lying when he told people it was because he was finally sick of it all, that he wanted to break Minhyuk like he had been broken by him. It just wasn't the whole story, but it sufficed.

"I'm glad you did." Hyungwon reached up with a napkin to help wipe away some of Kihyun's tears.

"I took a hot shower and washed my clothes when I got home. I curled up into Shownu's arms and started to feel safe again. Like Minhyuk couldn't hurt or tempt me there. I'm such a horrible fiance. I feel so dirty and disgusting."

"Kihyun, you're human. Your wedding is three months away. If you didn't get cold feet at some point I'd go crazy. Remember when I called my wedding off a month before and ran off with you to Disney for a whole week?"

"You're way more emotional than I am, though." Kihyun laughed and smiled fondly through the disappearing tears. "Hoseok was so understanding too when we got back."

"I'm sure Shownu will be just as understanding." Hyungwon watched as Kihyun's jaw dropped and eyes widened.

"What?"

"You have to tell him, Ki. You won't feel better until you do. You know he deserves to know."

"I didn't even tell him I was going to meet Minhyuk." Kihyun sheepishly explained, and Hyungwon shook his head.

"You lied!?" Hyungwon couldn't help the amount of anger in his voice.

"I told him I had an errand to run." Kihyun stated in a small voice. "I was scared."

"Shownu has been the sweetest, most caring, supportive boyfriend, now fiance, and you were 'scared' of him? He helped you put the pieces of you back together that I couldn't. He even waited for you to be ready to date again. He knows just about as much as I do about you. You weren't scared. Don't give me that crap."

"I wasn't scared of him. I was scared of myself, and I was right to be. I was scared of destroying the best thing in my life."

"Kihyun, the sooner you come clean, the better. Just tell him. The more you hide it, the more it will fester inside you and make you act out." Hyungwon sighed as he finally finished his meal and signaled for the bill.

"I will. I just need to find the right time. Keep this just between us for now, please." Kihyun knew Hyungwon told his husband everything, but Hoseok was Shownu's best friend. "Until I figure out a way to tell him."

"Don't take too long, and don't text or talk to Minhyuk." Hyungwon warned.

"Deal. I have to get back to work." Kihyun left a generous tip on the table as he took his leave. He had something new to think about now.


End file.
